Thank you for reading this letter. You must get lots of messages, specially from people saying it’s all your fault when they can’t find their car keys, or their house. You probably don’t get many messages from people who’ve never drunk Champagne ever. Like me. Which is mostly because I’m a kid but also because I know you can get badly hurt by Champagne corks and not just from swallowing them.

I would like to drink Champagne one day, but first there’s a question I’d like to ask. WTF? Nanna and me just heard on the news there’s a shortage of French Champagne in Australia. Plus, in the future, the shortage will get even shorter.

How could you do this? Don’t you know that a glass of Champagne is a life-line to sanity? Haven’t you ever seen Nanna pouring one after she’s watched the news.

“Thank God for my LLTFS,” she always says after the broadcast has finished.

She wrote a letter to the Prime Minister. “Keep on doing what you’re doing by all means,” she wrote, “But be fair. Add $62.50 to the pension, or $44.95 when Piper Heidsieck’s on special, so we can all stay sane.” She didn’t hear back.

She buys a whole bottle every week, which shows how much she needs it. Even I can see that and I’m only seven and a half. You members of the Association des Responsables de Vignobles de Champagne must be older than that, so how come you can’t see it? How come you’re not making millions of bottles more? If you’re scared of the corks, wear a crash helmet.

My friend Ethan reckons you’re not making enough on purpose, so you can manipulate market pricing. Please forgive Ethan, he’s a bit naive. He doesn’t realise that when productivity plummets, it’s because people are in the toilet watching Netflix on their phones.

Nanna says you have to stop withholding the Champagne, because the way the world’s going, by the time I’m grown up, I’ll need at least two glasses after the news.

Nobody likes to be told what to do, which is why when I was very little, Mummy used to say, “Would you prefer to pick your toys up and put them in the red box or the green box?” Sometimes I’d be so overwhelmed by the choice that Nanna would have to answer. “TFGB,” she’d mutter.

So I’d like to offer you a choice. Would you prefer to make enough Champagne for everybody who watches the news, or would you rather save the planet from climate destruction and get everyone in the world vaccinated against Covid, and make more people of integrity seek pre-selection?

Oh, and please put less bubbles in each bottle so they don’t go up anyone’s nose and make them believe in conspiracy theories involving pizzas, lizards or lizard pizzas.

Yours sincerely,
A Concerned Young Person.

PS. Nanna would like to throw in a third option. Would you prefer to dither around and do nothing and let Australian sparkling wine rule the F world? I think that means Free World.